Sex in the City and Jimmy Choo

I have a serious block and can't seem to focus on anything today. I entertained myself with face book, various games and watching Sex and the City. Watching Sex and the City made me think about my relationships.  I started watching Sex and the City a few years ago; I love the girls with their New Yorkian ways. Their outfits are glorious and they dress to kill everywhere they go, even when they dress "down" it seems that it has the element of sophistication.  I never even knew who Jimmy Choo was or that his shoes could easily cost $400 or more a pair, until I watch Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda walking down the street with his four inch heels on. 

Sex and the City opened my eyes to fashion and relationships. Four different women who are friends with each other, supporting each other, and even when they disagree with each other they still come together for breakfast or a night on the town. They are so different from the female relationships that I have had. Is that even possible to have four very different women who remain friends without the pettiness that comes with being a woman. I have known women that are jealous and resentful; they complain that another woman has it too good or is selfish just because this woman had the fore sight to make different decisions. I resent their negativity, but isn't there a saying if you hate something in someone else then you hate that same characteristic in yourself?

For the most part I try suffocate that part of my being. I see a woman who made great decisions and is where I would love to be and sometimes I am resentful. But I have no idea the price that she paid, because I know that everything comes with a price. I don't know this woman's life. Is she a trophy wife that has to look a certain way or be condemned? Does she have no say in her life? Maybe her husband is abusive? Maybe she trying to be the perfect wife and mother, that is afraid to really tell the truth that she is not perfect. I have figured that people act like things are perfect when they know that they are not. How many people surprise you with their true feelings and you thought their life was perfect. Pictures lie, face book lies, people lie to each other and themselves. 

So is it really true that four different woman can come together and accept and support each other without jealousy? Pretty much going against our natural inclination of just that. I think it would be hard. I also know that is why the City did so well, because in every woman's heart there is a need to be connected with other women. So is it possible for a TV show to open a person's eyes to the world or is it just another way to market the elusive female relationship and Jimmy Choo shoes?

Family

Holidays used to make me sad, both my mom and dad have passed and my brother and sisters are separated by states so it is never easy to get together. I remember those days when my mom cooked Thanksgiving dinner and my brothers and sisters and their families were all there and we would eat our fill of turkey and the fixings; then we would tell stories, laugh and play cards all weekend long. It was fun times and I loved the holiday because we would all be together.

Things are different now, most of the holidays my family spends time with my husband's family and they don't really play cards, but they are incredible cooks so the food is great. Usually, I spend my time listening to their stories. My husband's sisters are incredibly funny when they get going telling spins of stories that happened in the past. They are amazing story tellers and they make me laugh... sometimes I just stare and wait for the punch line. It is not exactly the same when one of them is gone, together they bring out the fun in both of them. It is funny to watch and I appreciate the time we spend together.

I have known people who open their doors and spend the holidays with people who don't have Thanksgiving plans. I think that is amazing and have always wished to be one of those people to open my heart and home to everyone without a place to call home and make an extended family of laughter and fun. That in itself is also amazing, because friends can become a wonderful extended family and it makes the holiday enjoyable.

I guess what I have found that it does not matter who you spend the time with, rather it is your immediate family, in-laws, or friends. What matters is that you are surrounded by people you care about and that care about you. Even though you might have different backgrounds, histories or ideas you can come together and enjoy a meal and a glass of wine together and appreciate the value of the relationship that you have with them. It is something to be thankful for and to celebrate.

Teachers

I have been really thinking of my past and how it effected me; how the experiences I had shaped the insecurities of my life and helped me choose the road that I have taken.

So I started to evaluate myself. I was from a really small town and unfortunately my family heritage did not help me. Looking back I think I felt that I was not good enough because of the poor choices that my dad made. Now, I love my dad but he did not always make the best decisions and being in a small town it eventually got around. Now I don't know if people really judged me or if it was something that I just felt. My mom and dad were way older than my classmates mom and dad's--which was shameful enough. Most of the time, strangers thought my dad was my grandfather and that always annoyed me, regardless I spent a lot of time with my dad. I would have to say I spent more time with him then anyone else. I felt it was my job to protect him, which is funny for a 5 year old to even think. But if someone called him my grandpa I would swell up and say "No, he is my dad." and I could tell that dad really liked my spunky attitude. So much so he used to call me Dynamite.

Boy was I mouthy, really I am actually surprised I made it through school. I was spunky, but eventually I resented authority and I really questioned authority and felt the need to argue with any teacher that would let me. I was a smart kid, but I did not have the drive to really seek my own answers. Regardless of this I had my opinions and because of this I think teachers wrote me off or honesty just hated me. I remember heading up a 4th or 5th grade rebellion about a discipline policy that my teacher made up. I hated it and I felt it was not fair, because along with being opinionated; my voice always carried so I was continuously getting in trouble and the new rules pretty much guaranteed me being in the office weekly.  I felt suffocated and stifled and I hated it. I was not the only one that was involved with this revolt but I guess I must of really upset the teacher 27 years ago, because a few months ago I tried to friend my old teacher and she never accepted my friend request. Sad thing was the person that was with me in our childish revolt was on her friends list. Why did she still like him, but not me. Did she hate me so much that she could not see that I was a kid, that needed direction and not punishment. Couldn't she realize that I am not the same person now as I was and because of my experience in her classroom I am totally a different person. Isn't that what teachers are suppose to do?

For a moment, after I realized she was not going to accept my friend request all those deep seated fears of not being good enough came up again. I was pushed back to being a small town girl surrounded by small minded people and I was pissed off. I thought about writing a "go to hell" letter letting her know all the mistakes that she made, but after a while I thought "What would that do, really? That would just prove to her that I was a bad person  and that she was right to treat me that way then and this way now. So I just cancelled my request and I learned this.

1) I am glad that I moved away from my hometown. I am a different person now, then I was when I was a child because I was able to explore being someone other then my father's daughter; I am a better person now because I opened up my heart and mind to the world.
2) Some teachers in your life are not going to teach you what you want to know, but what you need to know. I wanted someone to see past the crap when I was a kid--what I got was a few teachers that couldn't. Maybe, our relationship was not for me. Maybe the relationship was their opportunity to grow as a person and a teacher. If you have had a bad teacher remember that teachers are people and they can be messed up in the head as easily as someone else. They just have a degree.
3) You can't make someone see your side and most people do not want to be open with how they feel. So if you feel someone does not like you, surround yourself with people that you KNOW care about and like you. You deserve to KNOW that you are loved.
4) And if you are stuck with a teacher that you can not get away from refer to number 2. The craziest people I know are teachers and I have known a few in my adult life. :-)

Tell me about a teacher that you had. Why did you like/hate them?

You know self talk is dangerous and unproductive. I self talk myself all the time; and rarely is it a motivational speaker in my head, but a deep ugly troll hiding under the bridge of my mind. This troll says things like " you're not as pretty as them; your not as smart; you never get what you want; and lets not forget "your fat".

I have been thinking about writing a blog for some time but never have because the troll keeps telling me I have nothing to say that is important. And I have found that some of the the doubts and insults in my head seemed to be verified by the lack of millions of friends. I am definitely not one of those that can easily get people behind them. If anything I bring out the fighter in most people and even if they did not have an opinion prior to talking with them, they now do and it is the opposite of mine. That is hard for me; I am a Taurus in the definition of me it says that I am a leader, charming, and able to get things done. Ah but I feel that is not the case.

Let me tell you a story. I was going through a separation from my husband a few years ago and I was in a real fragile state. I mean really fragile state and an old school mate contacted me. We were not real close in school, but I liked him. He had a tough life growing up; his mom died when he was very young and I don't KNOW if his dad was abusive, but it seemed that he was going through some sort of abuse during school. On top of that he was really feminine. I remember in school that he had one of those personalities that he could be so obnoxious but people still liked him and so did I. Okay so this guy had gone through some things and he picked himself up and became a lawyer and it turns out that he is gay. No shocker there, because I always thought that he might have been gay or at least was batting for both teams. I never judged him for that, I still liked him because he was witty with a tinge of cruelty, but still funny.

So we started talking and we had a lot in common. I really enjoyed talking with him even though our sexual orientation was different, that did not matter to me. I think all women should have a gay friend and I thought I found my " Will" and I was "Grace" even though I would be the economy size Grace.  I was really happy having someone to talk with during this crappy time in my life, but I still had a lot of deep seated baggage from my recent separation. I was not a strong person at that time and honestly I was so insecure that I am sure that it came through our conversations. Plus, I just found him interesting and I asked questions about him being gay. It turns out that is not the questions that you ask when you are getting to know someone, oops. At some point I must of offended him, but he did not want to tell me what exactly I said to do so. He was the type that just said what he thought, and I thought that we both could be that way.  I heard it in his voice though in our last conversation, but I thought that he will see in a little bit that I was not being judgmental or cruel just saying what I thought, and he likes me and we are friends, right. I never heard from him again, I reached out multiple times but in the end just felt like a stalker so I stopped reaching out. He had boundaries and I stomped on them, not meaning to just trying to find a connection. And that is when the troll came back in my head and this budding friendship that quickly ended was devastating to me and it spun me in a deeper depression, but eventually I came away with an understanding of myself. 

Sometimes, the troll in my head seems right. The troll said that I was not good enough and I did not deserve a friend and the situation just reinforced that insecurity. I wonder sometime how people fake through insecurity. We all feel the same sometimes, don't we. That we are lacking in something or missing some component in our DNA that makes us feel well just not good enough.

I learned a couple of lessons with this situation:

1. Even though a "friend" is blunt with you, does not mean that you can be open and blunt with them. And that not everyone is going to be there and except you long term in a deep friendship.
2. The troll voice is going to point out any failures and you have to get a piece of duct tape and shut that guy/girl up. Or you will soon be so afraid of reaching out that you will end up closing yourself off from these GREAT relationships that are out there somewhere.