Friday, November 9, 2012

You know self talk is dangerous and unproductive. I self talk myself all the time; and rarely is it a motivational speaker in my head, but a deep ugly troll hiding under the bridge of my mind. This troll says things like " you're not as pretty as them; your not as smart; you never get what you want; and lets not forget "your fat".

I have been thinking about writing a blog for some time but never have because the troll keeps telling me I have nothing to say that is important. And I have found that some of the the doubts and insults in my head seemed to be verified by the lack of millions of friends. I am definitely not one of those that can easily get people behind them. If anything I bring out the fighter in most people and even if they did not have an opinion prior to talking with them, they now do and it is the opposite of mine. That is hard for me; I am a Taurus in the definition of me it says that I am a leader, charming, and able to get things done. Ah but I feel that is not the case.

Let me tell you a story. I was going through a separation from my husband a few years ago and I was in a real fragile state. I mean really fragile state and an old school mate contacted me. We were not real close in school, but I liked him. He had a tough life growing up; his mom died when he was very young and I don't KNOW if his dad was abusive, but it seemed that he was going through some sort of abuse during school. On top of that he was really feminine. I remember in school that he had one of those personalities that he could be so obnoxious but people still liked him and so did I. Okay so this guy had gone through some things and he picked himself up and became a lawyer and it turns out that he is gay. No shocker there, because I always thought that he might have been gay or at least was batting for both teams. I never judged him for that, I still liked him because he was witty with a tinge of cruelty, but still funny.

So we started talking and we had a lot in common. I really enjoyed talking with him even though our sexual orientation was different, that did not matter to me. I think all women should have a gay friend and I thought I found my " Will" and I was "Grace" even though I would be the economy size Grace.  I was really happy having someone to talk with during this crappy time in my life, but I still had a lot of deep seated baggage from my recent separation. I was not a strong person at that time and honestly I was so insecure that I am sure that it came through our conversations. Plus, I just found him interesting and I asked questions about him being gay. It turns out that is not the questions that you ask when you are getting to know someone, oops. At some point I must of offended him, but he did not want to tell me what exactly I said to do so. He was the type that just said what he thought, and I thought that we both could be that way.  I heard it in his voice though in our last conversation, but I thought that he will see in a little bit that I was not being judgmental or cruel just saying what I thought, and he likes me and we are friends, right. I never heard from him again, I reached out multiple times but in the end just felt like a stalker so I stopped reaching out. He had boundaries and I stomped on them, not meaning to just trying to find a connection. And that is when the troll came back in my head and this budding friendship that quickly ended was devastating to me and it spun me in a deeper depression, but eventually I came away with an understanding of myself. 

Sometimes, the troll in my head seems right. The troll said that I was not good enough and I did not deserve a friend and the situation just reinforced that insecurity. I wonder sometime how people fake through insecurity. We all feel the same sometimes, don't we. That we are lacking in something or missing some component in our DNA that makes us feel well just not good enough.

I learned a couple of lessons with this situation:

1. Even though a "friend" is blunt with you, does not mean that you can be open and blunt with them. And that not everyone is going to be there and except you long term in a deep friendship.
2. The troll voice is going to point out any failures and you have to get a piece of duct tape and shut that guy/girl up. Or you will soon be so afraid of reaching out that you will end up closing yourself off from these GREAT relationships that are out there somewhere.


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